


Burdens of Proof

by nonky



Series: The Amazing Amnesiacs of New York [6]
Category: Blindspot (TV)
Genre: F/M, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 19:42:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9673226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonky/pseuds/nonky
Summary: "I loved Kat," Roman said quietly. "I can't prove it, and I don't know if it was an old feeling or something that I still feel. But I know I did."Jane smiled sadly. "Then you did, and no one can prove otherwise. It's one of the nicer pains to have."





	

"Remi, you were engaged before, right? To Oscar?"

Jane tried not to show it bothered her, either name from her old life coming innocently from Roman's lips. She'd asked that he be able to read her FBI file. She'd wanted him to understand the difficulties she'd faced so he could avoid some of the same pitfalls. None of it was private, even the brief affair with her fiance turned handler. 

She and Weller had gone through the file together, he protecting government secrets and Jane trying to black out only the needlessly upsetting details. They'd both agreed her brother could not know she'd been the one to drug him. 

Their ability to keep Roman away from other agencies was rooted in his cooperation and good behaviour. Their misled model prisoner would be the terror of any regular prison if he found out the only person he trusted had erased his mind. He would disappear into a CIA prison that technically did not exist, or a mental hospital.

Roman didn't know she wasn't fond of her old name, and he seemed comfortable using it. She answered to it for him, trying to hide her dislike of all that she'd been before. 

"Yes, but that was part of my older memories," she told him. "I know it happened, I have an impression of the feeling of it, and I know I broke it off to go ahead with the mission."

She knew more than that, but it was all in hindsight. The way Oscar looked at her hadn't changed, but the attachment wasn't there on her side. She'd loved him in the past tense, and been sad and morbidly curious why she would leave him for any mission. Familiarity and safety didn't add up to love without something mysterious to give it life.

Roman was so scarred but so wide-eyed, innocent he had the ability to take down his guards, her own and a good many of the FBI agents in the building. Jane didn't want him to be constantly trying to piece himself together. She wanted him to find his strength. He needed to have some purpose in life to ground him; a starting point.

"And you saw him after, when you were meeting with him," her brother said slowly. "Did you love him?"

She was probably the only person in the world who could relate to his experience losing Kat. Jane knew his faltering, slow speech was his version of tact. He was giving her time to change the subject. 

"Not right away. I'd started remembering I was engaged, but I didn't have a face to put to the man. I remembered his tattoo, and how I'd felt like it was only fair to give him back his ring. He'd been sad and didn't want to take it from me. I'd been sad, too, but it was from before. I could know it, but it was like muffled sound. Like someone speaking and all I could hear were sounds that made the occasional word. I knew I'd loved him and trusted him."

Jane realized she'd been drifting in the memories, staring off as she spoke. She'd wanted to bring Oscar in. She'd been clumsy with it, and had no idea if Weller would have supported her turning her lover against Shepherd. She tried not to let her failure haunt her. 

"Can you explain what love feels like to you? Like how you felt about Oscar," Roman asked gently. "Dr. Sun says I can be capable of loving you because you're my family and I'd loved you when we were kids. She says it doesn't mean I can form new bonds. She didn't think I could fall in love with Kat."

She hated that doctor. Roman needed help, not hard limits on what he could achieve with treatment. 

"You know your doctor is one of thousands of doctors who do the same work," Jane asked. "Her experience is important, but her medical opinion isn't the same as certainty. She's trying to compare you to other cases, and there never have been cases of memory loss like you and me."

He nodded, strangely neutral to Dr. Sun's negative words. She thought Roman argued internally a lot more than he got up the nerve to disagree with the woman out loud. 

"I can explain how it feels to love someone now," she said. "It's not as happy as you'd think. It might be different when life is more normal. There's a lot in the way, and this person could probably have a better, safer life without me around. I don't think I'd be good for him, and that hurts because I want to be with him and know he wants to be with me just as much."

Roman nodded, but she sensed he wasn't really getting much from that general answer. 

"Do you remember that movie we watched at Christmas? The kids had those presents they wanted from Santa, and getting those presents were the only thing they thought about. Love is like waiting for Christmas, and being so excited because you might get the gift you wanted - but maybe you weren't good enough. And then the anticipation of a good thing happening in the future turns painful, a failure instead of a gift."

She wet her lips and let herself picture Kurt, breathing slowly as the ideas streamed into a simple form. So many events had made things impossible, but hope was resilient. It didn't want to be uprooted and overruled by her cautions to herself that being together might never happen.

"I'm making it sound trivial. Love isn't a toy you'll get tired of, or good feelings for a person," she told Roman. "It's the idea that you've met a person who could replace every other person you've ever met and still give you what you need. It's knowing that there are a million things in the way to being with them, and you could make a rational choice to look for someone where there are fewer issues." 

They were in the interrogation room, where Roman could be supervised but the guards could leave them alone. There were cameras and one-way glass. Jane knew she was tearing up, her nose and cheeks going red. She blinked miserably, determined now to help her brother not repeat her mistakes. 

She honestly didn't know she'd felt this badly until she started trying to say it. Working with Kurt made it impossible to let the good moments go. They still had a bond, boundaries jagged where the relationship had nearly started and been snapped off brutally.

"It's maybe getting hurt by them, and forgiving. And it's choosing to live without them, feeling that void in your life, just in case something changes. It's giving up all sense of control and going on a wish you want more than anything, accepting the risk of it because the wish is too loud in your head to ignore."

Jane sniffled, and smiled gently as Roman became more and more contrite. She shook her head. There was a nice strain of emotional muscles she rarely used, like a good stretch. He was a good listener and he cared. 

"No, I'm okay," she reassured him. "I haven't told you the best part. Even if it never works out, you're grateful for what little you got to have. The worst day with that person is better than the perfect day with someone you're trying to make yourself love to be pragmatic. The feelings are just bigger and the good memories fix in your mind. Even the little things you forget about them can come to your mind with amazing clarity."

She sighed, wiping at her eyes when she realized there were no tissues to be had. Her brother was looking at her softly, his mouth turned down but something clearly resonating. 

"I loved Kat," Roman said quietly. "I can't prove it, and I don't know if it was an old feeling or something that I still feel. But I know I did."

Jane smiled sadly. "Then you did, and no one can prove otherwise. It's one of the nicer pains to have."

There was a knock on the door, a pause and then Weller's footsteps. She rubbed harder at her face, probably making herself look like a raccoon.

"Hi. The guards were getting a little concerned," Kurt said apologetically. "I didn't want them to interrupt and make Roman go back before you were done talking. Did something happen?"

He held out a handkerchief to Jane, patting her shoulder as she ducked her head and tried to get the tears to turn off. The gentle touch wasn't entirely helpful, stirring up as much longing as it did warmth. Kurt looked at Roman, and read the situation with his usual directness. 

"You were having a good talk about bad things," he guessed. 

"I asked a hard question," Roman said. "Remi?"

Jane sat up, dabbing at her face. "You asked a good question, and I wanted to answer you," she said, looking first across the table, then up to Weller. "I'm fine. I got emotional. Now I think I'm actually hungry."

He chuckled shortly, giving her one last stroke of his fingers down her shoulder and off her arm. Jane looked at her brother and tried to dab away the smears of eye makeup she could feel. 

"You don't even remember Chinese takeout," she told him, looking up to include Kurt in the conversation. "If he's going to live in New York, we have to fix that."

"It's a staple," Weller agreed. "Are we talking authentic or the American version?"

"The stuff you go looking for when you're wandering after you leave a bar," Jane said eagerly. "The good, salty stuff with almost no nutrition."

"A woman after my own heart," Kurt agreed with a broad smile. 

Roman looked at both of them, a flicker of remorse going across his face. Jane smiled gently, and gave a tiny shrug. She wasn't going to deny the truth to him.


End file.
